I don’t run up stairs when I’m NOT being chased, so I’m not starting now.

Continue to live in a cabin in the woods/an obviously haunted house when shit starts to go down.

I wouldn’t stay in a well-lit, crowded restaurant if the walls suddenly started bleeding.

American International Pictures

Hear a noise and say, “Oh, it’s probably nothing.”

It’s 100% something.

NBC

Then proceed to “investigate” that sound, alone, usually in a dark room.

Did you not graduate from Kindergarten? USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM.

Warner Bros.

Answer doors late at night when people knock.

If you’re not expecting company, just don’t.

Universal Pictures

Answer phones late at night when they’re not expecting a call.

Save money on your phone bill by avoiding absolutely everyone.

Screen Gems

Allow for creepy-ass dolls to live in their house.

Nope.

Warner Bros.

And read from old books that seem incredibly questionable.

Reading is fundamental, but context clues will help you keep the dead from eating your face.

Lionsgate

Have sex, no matter how terrible an idea it seems.

I’m all for a good time, but come on, there’s a time and a place.

Legendary Pictures

Limply hold a weapon in their hand while sobbing, instead of running away.

At least, like, hold it with purpose?

Warner Bros.

Literally forget how to move like a normal human being when they finally start to run.

Bend your knees, sweetie!

FX

Run up the stairs when the front door is only, like, three feet away from them.

I refuse to run up stairs when I’m NOT being chased, why would I start when my life depends on it?

Dimension Films

And, when they finally get outside, they run straight to their car without their keys like an idiot.*

*TBH, Get Out is the only exception to this one.

Blumhouse Productions

Tripping over thin air when the killer is only feet behind them.

I’m as uncoordinated as the next person, but you think you’d be a little more cognizant of your surroundings with a masked killer right behind you.

New Line Cinema

Then proceeding to crawl the rest of the way instead of getting up and running more.

CARDIO, GIRL.

Vertigo Entertainment

Corner themselves for absolutely no reason by hiding under a bed or in a closet.

Like my ass is fitting under a bed in the first place.

Compass International Pictures

Yelling for help when they should be quiet for their own safety.

Why are you like this?

A24

And, of course, suggesting everyone “split up” when that makes zero sense.

This ain’t Scooby-Doo.

Lionsgate