1. Hello. I’d like to start off by making it clear that when I say I know nothing about Big Little Lies, I really know nothing about Big Little Lies.
2. In fact, I often mess up and call it “Pretty Little Lies.”
3. Here are the two main things I think I know about this little show about little lies: it’s about some rich white ladies and there may or may not have been a murder. Also, it seems like it’s cloudy in literally every scene.
4. So let’s do this thing!!
5. Ok I’m in the recap. Yep, there was a murder.
6. Oop, abusive husband. Lots of ominous whispering.
7. This music is raising my blood pressure.
8. Opening on some cloudy-ish scenery. As I predicted.
9. Whoa Adam Scott’s in this???
10. Why am I more excited about Adam Scott than Meryl Streep? That’s just wrong.
11. Lots of gun-related imagery so far.
12. Five queens walking in slow motion. I am here for it.
13. Okay wait I guess that was the intro? I’m already lost.
14. It’s been about three minutes and I’ve already seen approximately 16 montages.
15. Nicole Kidman is pregnant!!! Oh wait no she’s not?
16. Meryl Streep, I love you.
17. Hmmm, her show name is Mary Louise. That’s a fishy name if I ever heard one.
18. Something about a rape???
19. Is Shailene Woodley a single mom? She looks 15.
20. Adam Scott!!! Is he married to Reese Witherspoon?? Love it.
21. The children of these rich white moms seem like nightmares. Is having kids worth it?
22. Is this what can I look forward to if I have kids? Ehhh, probably not. I won’t be as rich so that’ll probably change things.
23. Aweee this otter song is actually really cute!
24. OK so apparently someone died at a school fundraiser??? Juicy.
25. Laura Dern is such a vision.
26. It seems like they might be starting to suspect that Zoe Kravitz is the killer. She probably isn’t but it does seem like she went through some shit in Tahoe.
27. WAIT Meryl’s son is dead, aka Nicole’s husband!!! Did Nicole kill her husband???
28. Damn, I think I’m also a “wanter.”
29. “Lost his balance and fell.” Yeah okay.
30. Adam Scott is going to cheat on Reese Witherspoon with Tori.
31. Meryl Streep being a “big help” reeks of something darker going on. She’s going to try and kill Nicole Kidman. Calling it now.
32. Not this episode, but sometime in the season.
33. Nicole killed her husband. Hands down. But from what I gather he was abusive sooooo….#It’sComplicated.
34. Oooh HELLO cute aquarium boy!!! I feel like I’ve seen him before…
35. Why on earth is Zoe Kravitz’s husband going to Adam Scott and asking him to talk to HIS wife? Do men actually do this?
36. Oh and apparently she’s a NEW wife?? Gonna file that away under Valuable Information.
37. LAURA DERN! A VISION!! WORK THAT RED BLAZER DRESS.
38. OH DAMN. THE CLASSIC: “I don’t even want to go to college.”
39. Well, she has a good point, the planet is dying…
40. Kind of like how we all have jobs while the planet is rapidly going extinct…what’s up with that?
41. But I digress.
42. Wait Reese’s daughter is also Zoe Kravtiz’s husband’s daughter?????
43. Meryl’s apology seems semi-legit. Don’t think Reese is one to accept apologies though.
44. Ugh, Shailene Woodley I don’t need to see you dancing on the beach in slow motion, no offense.
45. Cute aquarium boy!!!! And now he’s a cute surfer boy.
46. He kinda seems like a douche though…
47. You can’t just call someone “The Monterey Five” and then just leave!!!
48. Lol Reese thinking people have moved on from whatever shit they clearly did…
49. These rich white ladies are in some serious denial.
50. Wait OK so ZOE was the one who killed Nicole’s husband??? I’m really proud of myself for putting all these pieces together.
51. And everyone else said he fell. Interesting…
52. What is it with privileged kids on TV not wanting to go to college? That’s definitely a thing and it always annoys me.
53. Lol “work at a startup.”
54. Oh but she actually has an offer, ok!!
55. Damn Reese, go off. She would say she doesn’t care about homeless people.
56. She seems to have done pretty well for herself despite not going to college
57. I should’ve taken a drink every time Nicole Kidman called Meryl “a big help.” I’d at least be tipsy by now.
58. Rape money????
59. What on earth HAPPENED??
60. Wow this guy that died sounds like a sack of shit. I’m not NOT saying maybe he deserved to die.
62. Oh hey it’s Eric from True Blood!!! Eric is the sack of shit! Who was apparently also a decent father and was nice to Nicole sometimes. Complicated….but also not.
63. Your little Perry was a monster, Meryl.
64. Lol that scream tho.
65. Wait is Reese Witherspoon confessing right now?????
66. Oh wait nah, just some old confession footage.
67. I want the image of all five women in a police lineup in their pretty dresses looking absolutely fucking haggard framed above my fireplace. That’s an aesthetic.
68. Ahhh, it was a dream sequence.
69. “Now tell me, who are we planning to kill?” Damn. Brilliant final line.
70. Phew! That was a whirlwind. I’m pleased that my two hypotheses about the show going into it were correct. I was also correct about how cloudy the weather was doing to be (read: very cloudy)!